Previously: Princess Pricklepants’ Guide To Politeness, Manners, Delightfulness, Grace, and Related Things
Hello again! We should really have waited a month or two before posting again, since it’s impolite to post to your blog too often, but several readers had emailed in to express their gratitude for our practical and helpful guide to manners, but wondered about manners and politeness in other common situations that could arise besides tea parties. For instance, they wondered about manners on buses, and in supermarket lines, and when family visited and things along those lines. Unfortunately hedgehog princesses aren’t the types to ride buses, and the hand servants take care of trips to the market, so she doesn’t have a lot of advice to offer on all of the topics that inquiries were made about, but here she volunteers to you, our gentle readers, a guide to several common social circumstances where questions of manners, politeness, grace, and social grace often come up, with tips, advice, and pointers for navigating the complexities of day-to-day social life with others that were inquired about.
Lesson 1: Catapults
“Dear Princess, I throw tea parties regularly since it is the polite thing to do, but I have become very concerned with the actions of my husband Humperdink. During these parties he will load our catapult with sugar bowls, cups, small animals and other items and fling them around. The costs in lost china have begun to really rack up, and I am afraid the ASPCA might show up! What should I do?”
-Big Trouble With A Little China
Dear Big Trouble,
At times you might have a guest over (perhaps at a tea party, though perhaps in some other circumstance, for readers who don’t throw tea parties regularly, please ignore any tea party related references, these lessons are still generically valuable) who wishes to test their catapult in your home using your fine china (or other things).
What do you do?
Explain to them that catapulting is an outdoors activity, and recommend they take the catapult and your china outside where it’s appropriate and delightful to fling household objects through the air. Have fun with it, try suggesting that if they take the catapult outside that they could fling jewel encrusted antiques, rare glasswork, a cat, or other items that would be fun to watch fly, so they are more motivated to move it outside. Please note that cats belong indoors, since outdoor cats can cause environmental harm, injuring and eating native species, so after you’re done flinging the cat, it’s good manners to bring it back in.
-Princess
Lesson 2: Cows on the Couch
“Dear Princess. I try to be as classy as a lady as I can manage, but I’ve run into something that’s burning me up. My husband Vern has started bringing his cows inside the darned house! They even have managed to climb onto the couch! It’s driving me insane. What should I do?”
-Flustered With The Cows
Dear Flustered,
Unfortunately, time and again, we all run into the situation of visitors bringing cattle into our homes, with the cows peacefully grazing atop a couch.
What do you do?
Politely but firmly explain that animals are not permitted on the couch (unless they are hedgehogs), and that it would really be best to leave the cows on the floor.
-Princess
Lesson 3: Passages to Secret Gardens
“Dear Princess P. P., recently my children have started to claim that they’ve discovered a secret door that leads to a magical garden, and go on and on about their fantasy life, neglecting chores, failing to do their homework. I’ve tried to talk some sense into them, but their odd obsession has started to take over their life. What do I do?”
-Mom Of The Delusional
Dear Delusional Mom,
Time and again, youngsters will become very excited at the discovery of a secret door that leads to a mysterious and wonderful secret garden full of mystery and wonder, and excitedly try to enter.
What do you do?
Explain politely, but firmly, that the time for entering into the magical alternate universe full of adventure, wonder, and talking animals (not parrots or hedgehogs, but ones that don’t normally speak) is after one has finished eating all the food on one’s plate, taking care of chores, and completing other responsibilities, and not before. This will ensure that the important things are done before one wanders off into a realm of infinite possibility and delight.
-Princess
Lesson 4: Witch Accusations
“Dear Princess, I have a tough one. My daughter, Zenobia, has gotten out of control. It started with things like pointing out my weight, and has moved to to her angrily ranting. What do you do with an out of control child? She even called me a witch!”
-Frazzled
Dear Fraggled,
It’s a sign of our times that it’s become commonplace to find that over a cup of tea, in a spirited debate, or while playing cards, someone will insist that you are a witch.
What do you do?
Find a Witch Scale and weigh the accused to see if they weigh more than a duck. If you don’t have a duck handy, find something that’s roughly duck-weight, for instance a sugar bowl, and put them to the test. Since ducks float, this is a very scientific as well as practical way to sort out the answer.
-Princess
Lesson 5: Pirate Treasure Maps
“Dear Princess, my husband works on a cargo ship that’s been traveling through Indonesia and around the Horn of Africa. There is a lot of piracy in those areas. I’ve told him that I want to take out insurance, for fear of something terrible happening, but he’s fought it, saying that I should trust him to be able to handle the situation. I even showed him a web site on the internet with maps of piracy and pointed out how his routes intersect on the map, but he’ll have nothing to do with it. What should I do?”
-Dreading Pirates Robbing
Dear Dread Pirate Roberts,
Very often in day to day life, we all run into the situation of having a pirate or two drop by to visit bringing with them a treasure map that leads to untold fortunes in gold and gems.
What do you do?
Remember this simple principle – sharing is caring. Be sure to arrange to have the booty evenly divided among the survivors of the treasure quest.
Lesson 5.1: Climbing under the table and knocking over the treasure map and some guests.
It’s considered polite to climb under tables at tea parties, but in pirate negotiations things are a little different.
What do you do if you climb under the table and knock over the map and perhaps a guest?
Say, “excuse me, so sorry to knock over that map (and/or guest), I really didn’t mean to. I apologize.” That’s typically all it takes to sooth the feelings of pirate treasure negotiators whose precious map/colleague has been flung to the floor.
Lesson 5.2: Pirate Treasure Negotiators Fainting
Very often when making deals over treasure, one party might get over-excited and faint/be knocked over to the ground. This is a very delicate situation.
What do you do?
Offer the fainting/falling party a nice cup of tea, and gently help them back up. Do not bring up their clumsiness or criticize them for falling just because a table knocked into them. This is not polite.
Lesson 6: Annoying Photographers
“Dear Princess, I’ve been looking at your photos, and I’ve noticed a few things that I’d like to offer as a helpful critique.
Lighting: It looks like you’re using normal indoor lighting for your photos. That warm directional lighting is fine for day-to-day life, but photos tend to work better with somewhat cooler color temperatures and more diffused light. Also having a few sources from different directions can fill shadows nicely.
Perspective: Your photos are often shot from odd and jarring angles. It’s best to try to get down to the point of view of your subject.
Depth of Field: Many of your photos have a very deep depth of field. If you shoot with a fast prime you can gather more light in lower light situations and also have attractive blurring (“bokeh”) in your photos.
Sets: You use a lot of pieces for sets in your shots, but they look like you picked toys up from Goodwill. A few higher quality props and a backdrop would make for much more effective photos, keeping distracting elements out, and making sure that the elements in the frame were compelling.
These are just some constructive tips to help you on your photographic journey.”
-Camera Man
Dear Photography Male,
There’s little in life that’s more insufferable than some relative/friend/visitor whose gotten a new DSLR or other fancy camera to gush on and on about photography, yammering on about f-stops, trying to show you pictures of birds they’ve taken, and being generally dull and droning about their little hobby. They may also criticize your photos and criticizing your equipment for not being fancy/expensive enough.
What do you do?
Politely but firmly explain that they should find other camera-nerds to ramble on with, since bringing up cameras and photography in polite company is something of a faux-pas. If they keep yammering on, kick them out. Nobody needs a know-it-all photographer being a party-pooper.
Lesson 6.1: Crying Photographers
After helping photographers learn that they shouldn’t keep going on, and on, and on about their pictures and cameras and lenses and fancy lights and tripods and speed lights and so on they may burst into tears, deeply upset at not being able to drone on autistically about their prime obsession.
What do you do?
Give them a hug, and tell them that it’s OK. You can also them know that their OCD is probably biological, and there’s little hope for them, but that they have families that care about them, so perhaps they could go off and find them now. Suggest that people with their afflictions might benefit from a comfort animal. Also recommend some other hobby, like coin collecting, that highly obsessive anti-social nerds like them might enjoy in the quiet of their home so long as they don’t inflict it on everyone all the time. Be sure to be polite.
Lesson 7: Pirate Maps
“Dear Princess, I got your reply, but I feel that you didn’t quite understand my question. I was talking about life insurance, not pirate maps. I only brought up maps to make the point that the routes my husband was traveling on were areas where modern piracy is a serious issue.”
-Misunderstood
Dear Misunderstood, Hedgehogs have very poor eyesight, which makes reading much harder for them. Sorry if there were any misunderstandings. Due to their poor eyesight, they rely on their sense of smell to guide them. It smells like you like pirate maps a lot, which is great! I didn’t exactly have a lesson to offer here, but wanted to show you this lovely and delightful pirate treasure map that I skillfully negotiated away from the others. Please ignore the dead cow (and the Witch Scale) in the background, the poor lighting, the distracting elements in the scene, and the other things that annoying photographers might bring up.
Relating to your other question smells, here are a few more helpful lessons.
Lesson 7.1: Pirate Map Sharing
Sometimes when you have a treasure map, others might become interested in it, and interested in joining your grand adventure to seek out the lost treasure of Captain Quillbeard.
What do you do?
Remember that sharing is caring. Let them join you in the quest, making sure to explain that treasure is only divided among the survivors of the adventure, and cows have been known to have some very unfortunate mishaps on past treasure quests, but that they really are welcome. Once you’ve formed a team, be sure that you’ve got a strong friendship, and consider mentioning to the cow that they can be kind of passive aggressive, but then don’t.
Pals. Good.
Lesson 7.2: Pirate Maps and Crocodiles
How many times has this happened to you? You and your cow friend have a treasure map and are getting ready to set off on a grand adventure, when a pair of crocodiles show up and one leaps on you in attack!
What do you do?
Remember the words or Gandhi, MLK, and Thoreau, and suggest that you all go get some ice cream to settle your differences.
Mmm. Ice Cream.
Lesson 8: Guests Crocodile Wrestling
A common event when you have crocodiles at ice cream parties is that a youngster will get a little too excited and begin crocodile wrestling.
What do you do?
Remind the guest of the following:
Alligators and crocodiles are rather different, and generally it’s more dangerous to wrestle with a crocodile.
Explain that while it’s good practice to heavily feed ice cream to either before wrestling them so they are less aggressive, both should be trained before such activities.
Note that it takes a lot of training to be able to safely wrestle them, and that many people are injured by these prehistoric death machines.
Firmly but politely note that like flinging your fine china with a catapult, crocodile wrestling is definitely not an indoor activity.
You should also remind the guest that both crocodile wrestling and alligator wrestling are rather barbaric activities, so while their enthusiasm is understandable, that it is not at all polite to engage in crocodile (or alligator) wrestling at a tea party.
Finally, remind them of the words or Gandhi, MLK, and/or Thoreau, and suggest that they learn to peacefully coexist with the crocodiles.
Here is a helpful illustration of Princess explaining these things to the young crocodile wrestler:
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Lesson 9: Weird Guests/Uncles Talking About Ways To Get Many Air Miles and That Sort of Thing
“Dear Princess, my husband is obsessed with collecting air miles and other bonus points. If I use the wrong credit card to buy some gas, I’ll hear all about it. He’s starting to use all kinds of weird code words like vanilla, dollar coins, fungibles, 3x, and other things where they are referring to some arcane way to get points. I do like vacations, but it sometimes feels like the obsession with gathering these points isn’t about getting a cheaper vacation, but just showing off a point balance to other people who are obsessed with this kind of thing. And advice?”
-Points Widow
Dear Window,
Sometimes a guest or weird uncle or other person may show up and start rambling on and on about personal finances, and how to get a lot of air mile points, or mention some credit card or another that they can use to get some reward or another. It’s very strange and confusing. They may even try to show you their credit cards, when everyone know one doesn’t do such things in polite company.
What do you do?
Tell them to find some internet forum where weirdos gather to discuss such things. Under no circumstances should you ever engage them, it only encourages them.
Lesson 10: The Call To Adventure
“Dear Princess, I wrote earlier and tried to explain that my kids are spending too much time in a fantasy world. There is no real secret garden, they just imagine it, I think as some kind of escapism. It’s concerning. Also, my pen name was ‘Mom Of The Delusional’, not ‘Delusional Mom.’ I don’t think it’s very polite to get people’s names wrong.”
-Now Kind of Annoyed Mom Of The Delusional
Dear Annoying Delusional Mom,
It smells like you’re having some trouble with manners! At times a guest or relative might show up with a space ship/time machine/magical portal/interesting magical or technological item that brings one into a new world of adventure, mystery, and wonder.
What do you do?
Agree. Even if you try to say no, the author will figure out a way to force you on the adventure, and it’s not polite to disagree with or interrupt story tellers.
Adventure ho!
That concludes this simple guide to etiquette in common social circumstances. We hope that the next time you encounter a guest crocodile wrestling at your ice cream party, encounter a crying photographer, have to figure out how to deal with cows on the couch politely, or manage any of these other common social situations that our guide will have given you pointers to navigate them with grace and politeness.
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Princess Pricklepants was profoundly pleased. After a complicated series of events and delays (which must not be discussed, explained, or named), she was finally able to fulfill her supreme destiny in teaching a monkey all the things a monkey should know – politeness, manners, and grace at a tea party (well, there was also dancing, singing, and proper diction, but those were a digression, and at this point Her Highness had become very suspicious of digressions). The tea was set out, there were some nice snacks, and she had her artful friend Artemisia as a model manners assistant. There was even a fancy chair for the monkey. Things were going swimmingly.
Puzzlingly, when she looked up ‘Tea Party’ on google, the results were utterly bizarre and distressingly impolite. Google was clearly confused, it seemed to be looking into some strange and rather grumpy alternate reality she was pleased to be no part of.
Unfortunately there was a mishap. But in every mishap, there’s an opportunity to be polite and helpful. “Oh dear, Monkey, are you okay? Let me help you back up.” She politely helped Monkey back to the seat. Monkey got back on the seat but at this point, things took a turn towards the complicated, as reality cruelly conspired against etiquette lessons.
Monkey sat upon the chair, but in a sense that was not so much “upon” as “upon, but in the entirely wrong way.” Monkey sat in a manner sadly lacking in refinement and sophistication. Princess politely looked away to give Monkey the chance to correct the posture problems.
She felt wonderfully sublime exploring this mysterious and fascinating new space, but the monkey posture problem remained. She had to think of a solution. She thought, and realized the solution. It was incredibly simple and elegant. “Monkey, perhaps you’d like to look under the table? It’s so lovely to crawl around there, and it’s so polite and refined,” she helpfully suggested.
It a was a perfect solution. The posture problems were in the past. There was a slight down side, though. The monkey’s trip under the table left Artemisia inexplicably distressed. Princess Pricklepants felt great concern. She tried to comfort her artful model friend.
Some aspects of this may have comforted her friend (though the quill stabbing aspect was much too uncomfortable to be very comforting), but it had an unfortunate complicating effect. Monkey noticed that comforting Artemisia looked incredibly fun and decided to try it too.
“Good morning, Boris.”
The Pleasantries of Princess Pricklepants 