Dear readers, our introduction will be brief for this, our latest blog post.
We are required to mention the existence of superb, compelling t-shirts that you clearly want:
Bat-Hog, Delightful, Big Hogs, Haiku
Feel their powerful draw, can you resist?
With that complete, we begin our story with a picture with words under it.
Princess Pricklepants and friends were sitting in a new meeting about Her Highness’ presidential campaign. They were gaining some supporters, but humans had a strange tendency to support one of the human candidates, despite her clearly being an ideal presidential candidate.
“Item one,” said Jane, “so far we haven’t sold any shirts.”
“The shirts are so delightful, this is a real puzzle,” said Her Highness.
“I feel like I’m living in a shameless marketing ploy,” said Boris.
“Deal, Mr. Existential. Anyway, they’ve only been up for a day, maybe we need to wait,” said Jane.
“Okay, so what can we do to win more voters,” Princess asked?
“I know what to do,” said Boris, “forget the humans, they’re fickle. We need woodland creature support.”
Jane protested, “What about farm animals? The cow vote is critical.”
“Cows never vote,” said Boris, “they’re sheep.”
While the others were bickering, Princess wandered off to go on Twitter, which was where presidents were made these days. It seemed like just the sort of place for calm, mature discussions of political matters.
She decided to check in with the squirrels there, since squirrels were a key part of the small furry mammal base she wanted to win over. She also had read a book about squirrels that she found deeply delightful for some reason.
In the Twitterverse, she found a politically engaged squirrel, and was delighted…
Wisconsin’s primaries were winding up, and she was excited to see the news about her support from squirrels there. She didn’t want to hurt any squirrels feelings, so she apologized politely while sharing the news of her support.
The count was ongoing…
Happily, the final count put hedgehogs clearly in the lead:
For some reason there was skepticism.
Her Highness politely pointed to science to help the misguided:
Sadly a minority of squirrel extremists read some misinformation on the internet and became very upset.
But truth reigned supreme.
Sadly, it was clear that some squirrels were reading fringe conspiracy theory web sites…
While most squirrels supported Her Highness, these particular squirrels were less enthusiastic. And definitely not polite.
Things got even more disappointing…
Disappointing, and clearly rooted in a handful of species-ists.
She realized that she had to reach out to squirrels with kindness and politeness to try to build bridges and promote inter-species understanding.
This worked out, squirrel polls showed even better numbers, so it was time to reach out to other woodland creatures.
With knowledge that support from squirrels, mice, and opossums was growing, she thought about the next core demographics for support – bunnies, guinea pigs, and chinchillas, but was a little tired. She went back to the living room. Jane and Boris were still arguing about cows voting. She got some tea, and went to bed.
She was really not looking forward to the New York and California primaries…