Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, Her Highness woke up feeling rather less beneficent, gentle, and kind than her usual self. It was Apr. 1, so the news couldn’t be trusted, and everyone was trying to trick everyone else. This was confounding to say the least. And so began the turn. To the Dark Side of The Force.*
* Note: All spelling and grammatical errors in this post are deliberate and intended to convey maximum suspenseful dramatic power.
At first, things seemed to go well. She imagined the cool (and rather nicely done) movie posters she’d be featured on as Darth Pricklepants, terror of the Galaxy:
The work on the Deadly Planet of Quilly Despair (DPQD) was proceeding nicely, and soon they could dispense with the Galactic Senate and rule the galaxy with an iron paw.
Unfortunately, she was soon awakened from her 14 hours of beauty sleep in her “meditation” chamber:
“Your Highness, I’m afraid we have some fairly annoying news. The plans for your super-weapon, the Deadly Planet of Quilly Despair(DPQD), have been stolen and taken to the rebel squirrel base.”
“It was the bear, you Highness.”
“That accursed bear is as clumsy as he is prone to inopportune napping! General, prepare your troops for a surface attack. How many Quill-fighters do we have available?”
“Two hundred and eighty seven, your Highness.”
“Round them up.”
“Three hundred, your Highness.”
Her Highness briefly considered giving the obtuse general a nice Force Choke, then did so.
“Do not make math jokes! After you are done never making any math joke ever again, prepare the attack.”
Battle preparations ensued.
As preparations were proceeding, she learned that two of the rebels had been captured. It was time for an… interview.
She first interviewed the droid. Her Highness impolitely shouted at the droid. “Where are the plans!?”
The droid was unhelpful, as it only spoke beepish, a strange bleepy language nobody really understood, but whose sense was detected by a sympathetic audience. Her Highness was not sympathetic. Her Highness stormed off dramatically, and with great flair to interrogate the other prisoner.
The saiga antelope was just as unhelpful, as it communicated primarily with snuffles, body language, and at times, a nasal roar.
Being a Sith was not as fun as she’d expected. All that force-choking, and shouting orders, and people failing her for the last time. She thought about nicer times, like the epic and very nicely produced fight scene with the Gorn.
The general impolitely interrupted again, “Your Highness, the Gorn is actually from…. From Star Trek…”
After a rather intricate but well executed segue, she boarded her Spike-fighter and set off to attack the Rebels.
The battle scene was dramatic and stirring, and very nicely produced with top-notch special effects.
Unfortunately, and somewhat confusingly, the Empire fared poorly against the scrappy band of squirrel rebels, and thus began a slow downhill slide.
Even the raid on the rebel base, which started out with very effective and nicely lit and very stirring light saber scene didn’t really go that well. The stirring and beautifully choreographed light saber battle between Darth Pricklepants, Kylo Quill, and the Rebel Jedi squirrel Caff Nutwalker ended with the accursed Jedi escaping.
The stolen plans were not secured. Force Chokes were doled out all around. The frustrated Dark Lord, Darth Pricklepants, decided that this was all too much. Besides the Force Lightning, being a Sith Lord was really overrated. So she back to being the average and typical princess hedgehog, art historian, advice columnist, manners expert, and space traveler she wanted to be. There was only one thing to miss about being a Sith Lord: Force Lightning.
Note: While this story is a new work, it is based on sharing a set of things that emerged for April Fools Day. Unfortunately, there really was just no plausible way to work in this image:
To see the collection of things in their original context, see here.