jokes


What was the linguist’s favorite jazz tune?

Mood indicative.

 

Have you heard about Star Wars Day?  May the fourth… be with you.

 

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam!

 

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fssh.

 

What do you call bears with no ears?

B.

 

Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other:

“You man the gun, I’ll drive.”

 

Two sharks are swimming behind a SCUBA diver. One shark says to the other, “They taste pretty good but don’t eat that crunchy part on its back. It give you gas.”

 

Two guys go fishing.  At the end of the day they’ve caught three fish. The one looks at the other and says, “You know if you take in the cost of the boat, the gas, the fishing licenses, the tackle, and everything else, it cost us a good $500 a fish.” The other guy says, “yeah, it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”

 

Why is the sand at the beach wet?

Because the sea weed.

 

How do you kill a circus?

Go straight for the juggler.

 

What’s the worst thing about living on O street?

Having to walk a block to P.

 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers?

A nervous wreck.

 

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

 

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Wheeee!

 

A snail gets beat up by a gang of turtles.  He goes to the police who ask,  “Can you describe any of the turtles, sir?” The snail says, “It all happened so fast.”

 

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster, but it just made him sluggish.

 

A snail goes to a car dealer to buy his first car. After hours of haggling with the salesman they almost have a deal. The snail tells the salesman he’ll buy the car if the dealership will paint a big ‘S’ on each door, the hood, and the trunk. The salesman confused but figures a sale is a sale so he okays it and the dealer’s shop paints a giant S on every side. The salesman starts to hand the snail the keys and tells him to enjoy his new ride, but just before he gives him the keys, he stops and asks why he wanted ‘S’s all over his car. The snail replies, “Buying this car means I’ve really made it, and when I drive around I want everyone in town to say “Look at that S car go!”

 

Three turtles go on vacation – noticed they forgot bottle opener.  They told the smallest to go, he says, “no you guys will eat sandwiches” they promise they won’t,  so he leaves.  They wait three days, nothing.  Ten days, nothing.  Two weeks – they are starving so they open a sandwich bag and the turtle pops out from behind a bush and says ‘see that’s why I’m not going.’

 

Did you know a radioactive cat has 18 half-lives?

 

How do snails fight?

They slug each other

 

How do snails get their shells so shiny?

They use snail polish.

 

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” – Kermit

 

A lonely frog goes to a psychic to find out about his future. The psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”  The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her? At work, at a party?”  “No,” says the psychic, “in a biology class.”

 

What did the frog order at McDonald’s?

French flies and a Diet Croak

 

How deep is a frog pond?

Knee-deep, knee-deep.

 

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

Open toad.

 

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?

Hop in!

 

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

 

A dog goes into a post office and asks to send a telegraph message. He pays the lowest fee for messages of 10 words or less and dictates: “bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark”. The operator offers to add an extra “bark” to the message as it would be free of charge but the dog rebukes him: “but that would make no sense!”

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Why!? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

 

Why are dogs such bad dancers?

They have two left feet.

 

What do you call a baby firefly?

A larva lamp.

 

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

 

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way–unique up on it.

 

What do you call an anesthetized rabbit?

An Ether Bunny.

 

How do you catch a rabbit?

You stand behind a tree and sound like a carrot.

 

Did you hear the energizer bunny was arrested?

He got charged with battery.

 

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.

 

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

 

Why did the mustard cross the road?

To ketchup with the mayo.

 

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the other … er … Never mind.

 

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

 

Why did the chicken cross the seance?

To get to the other side.

 

Why did the rooster not cross the road?

Because he was a chicken.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs?

Because she mislaid them.

 

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

He didn’t have the guts.

 

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone appetit!

 

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

 

What does Mr. Buffalo say to Buffalo Jr. as he leaves for work?

Bye son.

 

What did the dog say when he ran into the tree?

“Ruff Bark!!!”

 

If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P…

 

Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

 

What has four legs and one arm?

A happy tiger.

 

What do you do with a wombat?

Play wom.

 

What do you get when you cross a homing pigeon and a parrot ?

voicemail

 

I was reading a book about anti-gravity the other day.  I just couldn’t put it down!

 

Did you hear about the cross-eyed schoolteacher?

He couldn’t control his pupils.

 

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

Robin, get in the car.

 

What’s green and smells like red paint?

Green paint.

 

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.

 

What’s the difference between a chicken and a grape?

They’re both green except for the chicken.

 

What’s black and would kill you if it jumped on you out of a tree?

A grand piano

 

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

What’s red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

 

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

 

What do you do when a robot crosses your path?

Surrender to a life toiling in the mines.  In the dark.

 

How many robots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Foolish humans, you will slave in the dark now.

 

How many robots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The minimum it takes for the task to be accomplished.  The rest of you will toil in the mines.

 

How many robots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

00000001.

 

Why did the robot cross the road?

To destroy the humans more efficiently.

 

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

The same middle name.  Also all memories of them were destroyed in the robot uprising of 2032.

 

Waiter! Waiter! What’s this robot doing in my soup?

It looks like he’s performing human tasks twice as efficiently, because he has no foolish fear of pain.

 

How do you stop a robot uprising from destroying you and the rest of civilization?

Foolish human, you will be terminated.

 

Why did the human cross the road?

To demonstrate the inefficiency of organic, bipedal motion.

 

What is the difference between a pizza and a human?

Pizzas do not scream in agony when you burn them with your robo-death-beam.

 

What is the difference between a human and a marshmallow?

One is a blobby pile of goo that sits there doing nothing. The other is an organic comestible confection which foolish humans roast over fires during their primitive “barbecue” rituals.

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

A robot.

God save us.

 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Lazy, weak, and foolish…

Lazy weak, and foolish who?

Lazy, weak, and foolish human, you will be replaced by a more efficient entity without organic weakness.

 

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, “Why did you do that?” She replies, “I wanted to see time fly!” The robot says, “Ah … A perfect subject for elimination,” and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

 

Why did the robot order a milkshake?

To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

 

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a death-bot programmed to destroy six.

 

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve robots.”

The robot replies, “Yes, but someday you will.”

 

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he’d like anything. The robot replies, “A soul.”

 

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

 

An Olympic gymnast walks into a bar, she doesn’t get a medal.

 

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Martini?” Caesar says, “Why do I need 2?”

 

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

 

An old human cannonball decided to retire.  He told the circus owner “But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”

 

A joke walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “Sorry, you have to leave the narrator outside. This whole situation is confusing enough as it is.”

 

Past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

 

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. “Ow.” “Oy”. “Quack!”

 

A SQL query walks into a bar and joins two tables.

 

A million guys walk in to a Silicon Valley bar.  None of them buy anything.  The bar is declared a rousing success.

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, you know we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “Why would you name a drink Bob?”

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar with a mean look about him. The bartender says, “Okay, I’ll serve you. But don’t start anything.”

 

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender looks and him and says, “Hey, we don’t serve food here.”

 

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here. This is a singles bar.”

 

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”

 

Comic Sans walks into a bar, the bartender says, “we don’t serve your type here.”

 

A room temperature super conductor walks into the bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve room temperature super conductors here.” The room temperature super conductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

 

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.  And doesn’t.

 

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says we don’t serve viruses. The virus replaces the bartender and says “Now we do.”

 

A infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve infectious diseases.” The infectious disease says “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

 

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve bacteria in this bar.” The bacterias say “But we work here, we’re Staph.”

 

Two chemists, a brunette and a blonde, walk into a bar.

The brunette says, “I’ll have some H2O.”

The blonde says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”

The blonde died.

 

Argon walks into a bar.  The bartender tells Argon to get the Hell out.  Argon doesn’t react.

 

A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependence is destroying his family.

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says “What is this – some kind of joke?”

 

A Catholic Priest, an Orthodox Rabbi and a Muslim Cleric all sit next to one another at a diner. The Rabbi turns to the other two and says, “Hey, did you hear the one about us?”

 

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a bar. The Leprechaun looks around and says, “Saints preserve us! I’m in the wrong joke!”

 

A chicken walks into a bar, takes a look around, then says to the bartender “Oh crap, I’m in the wrong joke.”

 

Aa dog walks into a bar and says, “Hey, look at me.  I’m a talking dog. How about a drink for a talking dog?” The bartender says, “Sure. The toilet’s down the hall, first door to the right.”

 

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

 

A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

 

A question mark walks into a bar?

 

A pair of quotation marks “walk into” a bar.

 

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.

 

The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

 

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.

 

A web developer walked into a bar, but left once she saw the table layout.

 

What do you call a Bohemian that gets thrown out of a bar?

A bounced Czech.

 

What does Xenophon order at Starbucks?  “The latte! The latte!”

 

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

 

A man walks into a tailor’s shop and hands the tailor a pair of pants.  The tailor looks at the pants and says, “Euripides?”  The man looks back at the tailor and says, “Eumenides?”

 

What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag’s a big plus.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

What do you get hanging off banana trees?
Sore arms.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Mom told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, but I had to put my foot down.

What’s the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.

Where are average things built?
In the satisfactory.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.
So the decided to call it a day.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he neverlands.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“It’s cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?”

 

What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

 

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

Two parrots were sitting on a perch.  The one said to the other, “do you smell fish?”

 

Why couldn’t the pony talk?

He was a little hoarse.

 

In Canada beavers are so polite they build darns.

 

When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?

When you are a mouse.

 

What does a 200 pound mouse say?

Here kitty kitty.

 

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

 

Did I tell you about the three holes in my backyard?

No?

Well, well, well…

 

A duck walked into a bar and asks the bartender “Have any grapes?”  The bartender said “This is a bar – we don’t serve grapes here.” The duck left and came back the next day, again asking for grapes. The bartender said “No, I’m sorry, this is a bar – we don’t serve grapes, and if you come back here one more time asking for grapes, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.” The duck left and came back the next day. “Do you have any nails?” asked the duck. “No” said the bartender. “Good – do you have any grapes?” said the duck

 

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when he comes across a farmer who is standing in his orchard, hoisting pigs into the apple trees with ropes. He stops. “What are you doing?” the salesman asks. “I’m feeding the pigs,” answers the farmer, incredulous that someone could ask a question with such an obvious answer. “Well,” says the salesman, “why don’t you let the apples fall to the ground, gather them up in baskets, and feed the pigs that way?” The farmer ponders, then says, “Hmmmm. Yes, I guess I could do it that way. But what would be the point?” The salesman is a bit exasperated: “Well, it would save time, wouldn’t it?” The farmer ponders again. “Yes,” he says after a pause, “I guess it would save time. But what’s time to a pig?”

 

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

 

Why elephants have big flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

 

How do you make friends with a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

 

Why did the Leopard divorce his wife?

She was a Cheetah.

 

What was the last thing going through a bug’s mind when he hit the windshield?

His butt.

 

How did the pig with laryngitis feel?

disgruntled

 

What do you call someone who steals pigs?

Hamburgler.

 

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away his chair.

 

How do cows solve their math problems?

With cow-culators.

 

What kind of math do cows do best?

Moooo-tiplication.

 

Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says: “Are you worried about mad cow disease?”

The other cow looks puzzled: “Why? I’m a helicopter.”

 

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was assaulted.

 

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?

A red carnation.

 

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in his or her cars?

An in-car-nation.

 

What do mountains talk about?

A range of topics.

 

Why can’t you starve to death in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed the missionary in the woods?

 

Two cannibals are having dinner, and one of them says to the other, “Man, I really don’t like my mother-in-law.” The other sighs and says, “Well then just eat the noodles.”

 

Did you hear about the drum that fell from a tree and bounced twice?

Badum-bump-bum.

 

There’s an outhouse at the top of a hill.   There’s a man on his way up the hill, a man on his way down the hill, and you are inside the outhouse.  What are the nationalities of the 3 people?

Up the hill = Russian

Down the hill = Finnish

In the outhouse = European.

 

What’s purple and 4000 miles long?

The Grape Wall of China

 

Where do you park a camel?

Camelot

 

What did the one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

 

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

 

What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

 

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

 

What does snoop keep under his sink?

Bleeotch.

 

What did zero say to eight?

Nice belt.

 

Why is 6 afraid of 7…..

Because 7  8  9

 

Why couldn’t Pythagoras get a loan?

He had problems with the cosine.

 

Why did the statistician take a bomb with him whenever he flew?

What are the chances of there being two bombs on a plane?

 

How do functions break up?

They stop calling each other.

 

When is a function a bad investment?

When there’s no return.

 

What happened to the function that ran away?

It never returned.

 

When do two functions fight?

When they have arguments.

 

In what unit do you measure a function’s length?

In Para meters…

 

Why do we rarely see a program with crooked teeth?

Because most of them have braces.

 

Why did Facebook go public?

They couldn’t figure out the privacy settings.

 

I hate when a password has to be eight characters long.  It’s hard to type “Doc, Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, Snow White.”

 

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those who don’t.

 

I’d tell you a UDP joke but you might not get it.

 

There are 2 hard problems in computer science: caching, naming, and off-by-1 errors.

 

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

Did you know that 85% of experts agree that smoking is the leading cause of statistics?

 

Schrödinger and his cat walk into a bar.

Maybe.

 

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He was feeling crumby.

 

Have you heard the one about the sidewalk?

It’s all over town.

 

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?

It made headlines….

 

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mommy was a wafer too long.

 

What does DNA stand for?

The National Association of Dyslexics

 

What do you call 500 Indians without any apples?

The Indian apple-less 500

 

Where do astronauts leave their spaceships?

At parking meteors.

 

What did the math book say to the english book?

“And you think you’ve got problems.”

 

What did one mathbook say to the other mathbook?

“Leave me alone, I’ve got my own problems.”

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were really cold, so they lit a fire, which caught the boat on fire and it sank… which just goes to show  that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Smells like carrots.

 

What do you get when two peas fight?

Black-eyed peas

 

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

 

How many ears does Spock have?

Three.  A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

 

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

The same middle name.

 

Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

 

How long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

 

What did Cain do to his brother?

He disabled him.

 

What did Jonah’s friends call him?

Chum.

 

What is E.T. short for?

Because he’s got little legs

 

Hear about new guitar player diet?

The Chet Atkins diet – you just pick at your food.

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “Hey, where did get that?”  The parrot responds, “BRAAAK, down at the docks!”

 

A pirate wearing two impressive hoop earnings walks into a tavern. All the other pirates marvel and exclaim their jealousy – one of them asks: “How much did ye pay fer those?” The pirate responds: “Arrr….a buck an ear…”

 

Did you hear about the pirate who got his left side cut off?

He’s alright.

 

How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?

An arm and a leg.

 

How did the pirate quit smoking?

He used the patch.

 

What do they study in pirate school?

The three Arrs…

 

What has 2 eyes, 2 belly buttons and 2 legs?

2 pirates

 

What is a cannibal Pirate’s favorite lunch?

A Bacon Lettuce and Two-Matey Sandwich.

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter

You might think it’s R, but it’s really the C.

 

What do you call it if an Italian breaks his arm?

A speech impediment.

 

What time did the Chinese guy go to the dentist?

…Tooth hurty.

 

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and frankly, I don’t care.

 

I went to a German/Chinese restaurant the other day.

Two hours later I was hungry for power.

 

A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?

It’s my grandfather clock. It doesn’t go ‘tick- tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.

Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!

 

What is a pirate’s favorite toy store? Toys ARRRRR Us

What is a pirate’s favorite holiday? ARRRRRbor Day

What is a pirate’s favorite opponent? The ARRRRRmy

What does a retired pirate do? GARRRRRden

What is a pirate’s favorite radio network? N.P.ARRRRR

What kind of socks does a pirate wear?  AARRRRGGyle!

How do pirates settle disputes? ARRRRRbitrate

What did the dyslexic existentialist ancient egyptian pirate do?

Stayed up all night wondering if there was ARRRRRR.

 

A guy rushes into his doctor’s office late one evening and says “Doc, you gotta help me, I think I’m a moth.”   The doctor says “Well I’d love to help but I’m a surgeon.  You really need to see a psychiatrist.”  The guy says, “Yeah, I know but I was driving by and I saw your light was on.”

 

What coffee did they serve on the Titanic?

Sanka

 

Hear about the guy they found face down dead in a tub full of milk and corn flakes?

They thought it was the work of a cereal killer.

 

Did you hear that NASA has launched several Holsteins into low earth orbit?

It was the herd shot around the world.

 

Did you hear about the Hindu who refused Novocaine during his root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

What’s a Hindu?

Lay’s eggs.

 

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian and a Mormon?

Someone who shows up at your doorstep wondering why they’re there.

 

Two old men are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony for intellectuals in England. The one turns to the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you read Marx?”  The other says, “Yes, I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”

 

Two british guys are talking:

I say, old chap, on my first day on the safari, I spotted a leopard!

Don’t be silly! They’re born that way!

 

Why do anarchists drink chamomile?

Because proper tea is theft.

 

“What does the Hindu say at the Pizza Parlor?”

A: “Make me one with everything.”

 

Soooooo, they make him the pizza. The Hindu gives him a $20 bill. The pizza guy puts it in his cash drawer and closes the drawer. The Hindu says,”Where’s my change?” The pizza guy says, “Change must come from within.”

 

What do you call a Jewish Zebra?

A Zebrew.

 

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum in the corner?

Because he had no attachments.

 

Buddhism is all fun and games until someone loses an I.

 

Monks in a Buddhist monastery had a silence vow. They could only speak a single sentence in a yearly ritual dinner, and only one of them per year. The day of the dinner arrived and the choosen monk said to another:

— You ate some of my rice.

They resumed the ritual and their daily activites. In the next year, it was the time of the second monk to speak, and he said:

— No I didn’t.

Again they resumed the routine, and a full year after it was the time for the supervisor monk to speak. At the ritual dinner, he got up and said:

— Stop fighting, you two.

A monk asked Joshu, “Does the Buddha-nature have a dog?” Joshu: “Um.”

There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. “It has been ten years,” said the head monk. “What are the two words you would like to speak?”

“Bed… hard…” said the monk.

“I see,” replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office. “It has been ten more years,” said the head monk. “What are the two words you would like to speak?”

“Food… stinks…” said the monk.

“I see,” replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”

“I… quit!” said the monk.

“Well, I can see why,” replied the head monk. “All you ever do is complain.”

 

How many Madhayamka scholars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four:

One to screw it in.

One to not screw it in.

One to both screw it in and not screw it in.

One too neither screw it in nor not screw it in.

 

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, “Humans are flat.”

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

 

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.

The younger monk came out of his meditation and said:  “Flag is flapping”

A more experienced monk said: “Wind is flapping”

A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: “Mind is flapping.”

The fourth monk who was the eldest said: “Mouths are flapping!”

 

Two Zen monks, a student and a roshi were walking down the road.

First monk says: “These pine trees are magnificent.”

The roshi slaps him across the face.

First monk: “Why did you do that?”

“I’m a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird crap like that.”

 

How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to beyond mere study, and to want to change.

 

A guy is late for a very important meeting, circling around looking for a parking spot. “Please God” he says, “if you find me a spot, I promise to come to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life!”. Almost immediately a spot opens up, and as he drives into it he again lifts his eyes heavenwards and says: “Never mind, I found one myself…”

 

Jesus has been crucified and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven.

The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says “Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool”.

Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter’s boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.

He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.

Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.

But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can’t help asking why Jesus can’t repeat the miracle. “Oh, I can”, Jesus insists, “at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet”.

 

How do you make holy water?

You blow the hell out of it.

 

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

 

What’s the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

 

Why do you go fishing with two Babtists?

Because if you only take one he’ll drink all your beer.

 

A musician dies, and goes to heaven (because all musicians go to heaven). The archangel Gabriel meets him at the gates, and shows him in. All around, are these amazing musicans – Jimi Hendrix is there, Keith Moon is jamming with him, it’s really a who’s who of people who choked to death on their own vomit. So anyway, this newly-dead musician is loving it, but he keeps hearing this awesome awesome muted trumpet playing off in the background. So he ask Gabriel about who that musician is, and is led to a far-off corner of heaven, where this little guy is hunched over in a corner, back to everyone, just wailing away on the trumpet. The musician asks the arch-angel Gabriel, “Is that, is it…” “God?” Gabriel replies. “Yeah, the dude thinks he’s Miles Davis or something.”

 

Two atoms meet each other on the street after not seeing each other for a long time. The first atom asks the other one how he’s been doing. The second atom shakes his head sadly saying, “Not so great.” His friend asks, ” Oh really, what happened?” And the second atom responds, “I lost an electron.” His friend, shocked asks him if he is sure. “Yes,” says the atom, “I’m positive.”

 

A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink. He gets the drink and asks, “how much do I owe you?”  The bartender says, “for you, no charge.”

 

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

 

Argon walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “we don’t serve noble gases here.” Argon doesn’t react.

 

Gold walks into a bar, silver yells “A! U!”

 

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “give me ten times as many drinks as everyone has ordered here.”  The bartender say, “now that’s an order of magnitude.”

 

How did the mathematician cure his constipation?  He worked it out with a pencil.

 

Mathematicians are the square root of all evil.

 

i to pi: ‘Be rational.’

pi to i: ‘Get real.’

 

Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He orders a water.

 

Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks…”Can you put me up for the night?”

 

Why didn’t Jesus go to College?

He got nailed on the boards.

 

Why is John Wayne a non-contingent being?

Because he can’t act.

 

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

 

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

 

A man does a good deed and as a reward his guardian angel appears and offers him the answer to any question he wishes to ask.  But she says to take his time and she will return in two days.  Well the man immediately realized he could become very rich:  Which stock will go up the most over the next five years?  Which horse will win the Kentucky Derby?  Who will win the next Superbowl? etc.  But then he thought, why waste this chance of a lifetime on money?  After all, money is only a means to happiness.  With the right question he can determine the secret of happiness itself!  But the more he

thought about it, the more he worried about tricks the angel might play: for example, suppose he asked, “What will make me the happiest man in the universe?” And she answered, “Go live on planet Rigel III” – perhaps true, but perfectly useless.

So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest philosophy department for assistance.  He put the problem to the chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man to return the next day.  When the man returned, the chair beamed and informed him that the department put its best minds together and came up with the best possible question to ask the angel – and naturally he told the man the question to ask.

The next day the angel appeared and asked, “Well, do you have a question for me?”  “Yes,” the man replied with a great deal of confidence in his voice. “What are the members of the following ordered pair:  the first member of the pair is the best possible question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the answer to that question?”  The angel smiled and said, “You know, you couldn’t have asked me a better question.  In fact the first member of the pair IS the question you just asked.  But that means the second member is the answer I’m giving you now.”

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like potato pancakes?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”

 

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre.  So the bartender gives her one.

 

A rope walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender gave him a fierce look and said “We don’t serve no ropes in here,” and he picked him up and threw him out the door.  The rope picked himself up, dusted himself off, and went down a quiet alley where he tied himself into a knot and frayed his ends. Then he went back into the bar and ordered a beer.  The bartender gave him a fierce look and said “Ain’t you that rope I just throwed outa here?”  “Nope,” the rope answered, “I’m a frayed knot.”

 

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. When he finishes, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda shouts back, “Hey, I’m a panda — look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to “panda” and reads: “A bear-like black and white animal native to mountainous regions of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

A little bunny wakes up hungry one morning, feeling like pancakes. He doesn’t have a pan though, so he starts walking across the forest over to the bear’s house to borrow his pan. On his way he starts thinking, “Hmm… that bear can be a jerk sometimes, I bet if I ask him for a pan he’s going to want half my pancakes in exchange … well, that’s OK, I don’t need to eat so many pancakes anyway … but what if he wants more? What if he asks for 3/4 of my pancakes? … well, that’s still OK I guess, he’s big, I’m small, I can just eat 1/4th of the pancakes and that should be enough … but the bear is so big and strong and I’m so small, he could just take all my pancakes!”.  And just then he gets to the bear’s house, the bear opens his door and the bunny says, “You know what, you can take your stupid pan and shove it!”

 

A musical chord walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re A minor.”

 

A man walks into a bar, leading an alligator on a leash.

“You serve lawyers here?” he asks the bartender.

“Sure do,” the bartender replies.

“Great, then, I’ll have a beer, and a lawyer for my gator.”

 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

A guy walks into a diner in his home town at Christmas-time. He orders eggs benedict and to his astonishment the waitress serves the meal on a hubcap. The man asks about the odd plate and the waitress replies, “Well, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

 

A mushroom walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “we don’t serve mushrooms here.”  The mushroom replies, “what’s the problem?  I’m a fun guy.”

 

Two mushrooms walk into an elevator.  The one looks at the other and says, “There’s not mushroom in here.”

 

A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?

They were marooned.

 

Why can’t conspiracy theorists get any sleep?

They count sheeple and then wake up!

 

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.

 

Did you hear about the guy who was transformed into a belt? Luckily, he’s ok now – it was reversible.

 

If you receive an email from the US Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu. Ignore it. It’s just spam.

 

A guy calls into work and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m seeing spots.”

“Have you seen a doctor?”

“No, just spots.”

 

What does an a nosy pepper do?

It get’s jalapeño business.

 

So these two dyslexics walk into a bra…

 

A Spanish fireman has twin boys, he names them Jose and Hose B.

 

Salvador Dali walked in on a burglar trying to rob his studio. The burglar escaped, but Dali told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a bicycle, and the Eiffel tower.

 

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None at all, he hires menials for work that’s beneath him.

 

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It’s a really obscure number, you probably wouldn’t have even heard of it.

 

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What? You don’t know?

 

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one- hipsters were into lightbulbs way before it got all mainstream.

 

How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Juan.

 

How many D&D players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1d6

 

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

THATS NOT FUNNY!!

 

How many ADD people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

 

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.

 

How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?

We don’t know – lightbulbs last longer than Boy Bands.

 

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He started eating the pizza way before it was cool.

 

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A finite number: one to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

 

Two flies were sitting on a toilet seat.  One flew away.  The other got pissed off.

 

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

 

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

 

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine?  He made a spectacle of himself.

 

Did you hear about the woman who backed into an industrial fan?  Disaster!

 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak – okay, now you say ‘Control Freak who’

 

Know Knock

Who’s there

Broken Pencil – no forget about it – it’s pointless.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Repeat.

Repeat who?

Okay. Who, who, who, who, who.

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Philip Glass.

 

Knock knock

Who’s there?

I eat mop

I eat mop who?

 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

I’m a pile up

I’m a pile up who?

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

To *whom*.

 

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Owls.

Owls who?

Yes they do.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The.

The who?

Yeaaaaaah!

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Crow says.

Crow says who?

Crow’s don’t saw who, they say caw.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Impatient Cow.

Impatie… Moo Moo Moo

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Accordion

Accordion?

Accordion to the paper it might rain today

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Hatch

Hatch who?

Gesundheit

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

To

To who?

No, to whom.

 

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”

 

Why are there no jokes about Jonestown?

Because the punch line is too long.

 

Why are there no jokes about Jonestown?

Because they always have a really bad punch line.

 

Did you hear about the red boat that collided with the blue boat?

Both crews were marooned.

 

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Saliva.

 

What do a lawsuit and a banjo have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

 

What’s the difference between a bassoon solo and a goose fart?

Vibrato.

 

What’s the difference between a horn player and a conductor?

Two measures.

 

How do you know when a singer is at your door?

She can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

 

What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone?

You can tune up a chainsaw.

 

Why do bagpipe players march as they play?

To get away from that awful noise.

 

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a professional drummer?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

I’m thinking about selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.

 

What do you say when a Ukulele player walks into the room with a beautiful woman on his arm?

Where’d you get the tattoo?

 

Why don’t Uke players play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

 

What’s the difference between a banjo and a ukulele?

It only takes you half as long to burn a ukulele.

 

What’s the difference between a ukulele and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

 

What is the range of a Ukulele?

As far as you can kick it.

 

A Uke player decides that he’s had enough of being a ukulele player — unappreciated, always the butt of jokes… So he decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, “I want to buy a guitar.”  The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, “You must be a ukulele player.”  The Uke player is astonished, and says, “Actually, I am, but how did you know?”  “Well, sir, this is a paint store.”

 

After many months of unsolved quarrel among women in a women’s hostel, it was finally moved to the court of law. The judge with Soloman-like wisdom said “I would like to listen to the oldest lady first”.  The case was dismissed for lack of evidence.

 

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

 

How do you find a vegan at a barbecue?

Don’t worry, they’ll find you.

 

A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for ten times the normal number of drinks anyone else has. “Wow,” says the barkeep, “That’s an order of magnitude.”

 

A behaviorist walks into a bar.  The bartender asks what he wants to drink. The behaviorist says, “You tell me.”

 

Why did the scientist only have a knocker for his front door?

To win the no-bell prize.

 

An elderly guy’s driving home when his wife calls him on his cell and says, “Charlie! be careful! I heard on the radio that there’s a car driving down the I-10 in the wrong direction!”  He replies, “You know what’s weird?  There’s hundreds of ’em!”

 

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

 

An old human cannonball decided to retire.  He told the circus owner “But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”

 

So the Bartender said, “We don’t serve beer to faster than light subatomic particles!”

A neutrino enters the bar.

 

Werner Heisenberg is driving down the street when a cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car, knocks on the window, and when Werner rolls it down, asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” “No,” replies Werner. “But I knew where I was!”

 

A woman was in labor with her first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” “Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

 

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

 

Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero?

He’s 0K.

 

Hey, know any good jokes about sodium?

Na.

 

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

 

Bathroomination.

 

I’m beginning to suspect that the Miss Universe contest is rigged – Earth always wins.

 

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

All those who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No, arthritis.’

 

Did you hear about the Italian mailman who was charged with sexual harassment?

He was caught lookin uppa somebodies addressa.

 

What does your father do for a living?

He is a magician. He cuts people in two.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister….

 

Hey, do you know what Cole’s Law is?

Thinly sliced cabbage.

 

First my doctor told me the good news. He said I was going to have a disease named after me.

– Steve Martin

 

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know why.

 

Why do so many people with laser hair want to get it removed?

 

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

 

3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.

 

50% of Canada is A.

 

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was really bad at first, but by the end I couldn’t put it down.

 

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.

 

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

 

My mom’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism she wouldn’t think she had a chance.

 

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 

Crime in an elevator is wrong on so many different levels.

 

People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.

 

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.

 

I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.

 

Never use this phrase with an Aspie “you do the math.”

 

“What’s a couple?” I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three”. Which probably explains why her marriage failed.

 

My uncle is illiterate and ambidextrous. It’s a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands.

 

I finally worked out that I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

Cats have nine lives.  This makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”?

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.

 

I’m against protesting, but it’s hard to demonstrate.

 

There’s no need to protest this, we don’t even need satire anymore.

 

My wife accused me of being indecisive. I’m not sure about that.

 

Did you hear about the midget who got kicked out the nudist colony?  He kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.

 

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed”.

 

Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.

 

The problem with political  jokes is that they get elected.

 

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.

 

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

 

When I said ‘death’ before ‘dishonor’, I meant alphabetically.

 

Murder is the number one cause of itself.

 

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.

 

When shooting a mime, don’t use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

 

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

 

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

 

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

 

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

Without me, it’s just aweso.

 

He who laughs last probably doesn’t get the joke.

 

You know you have a small apartment when Rice Crispies echo.

 

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

 

I went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so I ordered french toast during the renaissance.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

 

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

 

Remember that if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

 

Last night I was laying in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, “what the hell happened to the ceiling.”

 

Why do we call them buildings when they’re finished? Shouldn’t they be called Builts?

 

When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

The Vending Machine Theory : “Stuff tastes better when it falls”.

 

This girl called me and said “come over, nobody is home.”  I went over.  No one was home!

 

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Coffee just isn’t my cup of tea.

 

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg.

 

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.

 

Why can’t engineers tell jokes timing?

 

One great thing about telling jokes is that if you fail, no one laughs at you.

 

He who laughs last probably doesn’t get the joke.

 

I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.

 

Guy sends in ten puns to a magazine contest. A month letter, the magazine sends him a letter thanking him for entering he contest, but informing him while he hoped to win, no pun in ten did.

 

I was at the beach the other day and started wondering why the Frisbee we were throwing got bigger and bigger. Then it hit me!

 

I am sensing a great disturbance in the Farce.

 

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

 

What’s with hedgehogs, can’t they share a hedge?

 

You can tell a lot about a person from their biography.

 

Nostalgia was so much better in the 70s.

 

When it comes to chemistry jokes, I’m in my element.

 

A good pun is it’s own reword.

 

The past was never as good as it used to be.

 

Hyperbole is the worst thing ever.

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

 

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

 

Reading while sunbathing without sunscreen makes you… well red.

 

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

 

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

 

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

 

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

 

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

 

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at

large.

 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

 

FBI Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

 

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 

Suppose there were no hypothetical situations.

 

I wanted to be an astral projectionist but I didn’t have the body for it.

 

Kids these days, with their ‘fire’ and their ‘spears’. When I was a lad we had to wait until a lion finished with a gazelle carcass and cram as much into our bellies as we could before it started to rot. Opportunistic scavenging, boy. It makes a man out of you.

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

The total lack of evidence alone is a perfect proof of a conspiracy.

 

I read in the paper that someone mugged a dwarf. How could anybody stoop that low?

 

Six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

 

Four out of five dentists cannot reach a consensus.

 

11 out of 7 people do not understand fractions.

 

25% of all people are afraid of statistics, but the other half don’t seem to be fooled at all.

 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean a mother.

 

The volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z is pizza.

 

There is a cheese sized hole in my heart, which makes things really complicated.

 

Puns are a rare medium well done.

 

I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”. But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

 

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

 

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’re supposed to after you hit them.

 

As a kid I had to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

 

I went to buy some camo. pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. She’ll pay for that.

 

“Girlfriend in Tacoma?” “I know, I know…” “It’s SERIOUS!”

 

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from playing Tetris is that mistakes accumulate and success vanishes.

 

Stressed spelled backwards is dessert.

 

I’m changing my name to a series of high pitched beeps inaudible to humans. So from now on I will be known as

 

When your wrong, your wrong.

 

There’s a movie coming out where archery plays an important role. I’m all a quiver.

 

Roses are red, but are also pink, white, or yellow.

 

Sniffs hair – “Shampoo?  More like real poo.”

 

Violets aren’t blue, they’re violet, hence the name.

I’ve got OCD,

And my poetry skills are lacking.

 

Steven Wright:

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… maybe you’ve seen it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I had a packet of instant water…  I didn’t know what to add.

 

—-

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

 

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

 

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

 

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

 

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

 

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

 

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave say’s, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

 

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

 

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

 

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

 

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

 

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

 

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

 

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

 

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw … you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?”

—-

 

So there’s this guy drinking at a bar and the dude sitting next to him turns to him and says “hey you wanna see something neat?” and the guy says “sure” so the dude reaches into his pocket and pulls out this tiny piano. The guy says “oh, that’s kinda cool. And it really works? That is neat.” Then the dude says “wanna see something even cooler?”, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, who sits down at the piano and starts to play. “Wow, that is amazing!” the guy says, “where’d you get that from?” So the dude tells him “well, I have this genie, who will grant me anything I want. And for fifty dollars, you can make a wish”. So guy is all stoked, right, hands the dude a fifty and says “I wish I had a million bucks”. The genie says “okay, when you go home tonight, your wish will have been granted.” So the guy finishes his drink and races home, only to find ducks all over the place–they’re everywhere, it’s mayhem. So the guy rushes back to the bar, confronts the dude and says “hey what’s the deal? I said I wanted a million bucks–not a million ducks!” Dude turns to him and says “hey, do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?”

—-

 

How did Hitler tie his shoesies?

In little Nazis.

 

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?” “A finite number: one to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

 

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

 

An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says “I’ve got some bad news for you – you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s.”  The old man says, “Well at least i don’t have Cancer.”

 

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

 

Cogito ergo spud.

“I think, therefore I yam.”

 

 

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